The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones - Review

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones is the first in a series of movie adaptations based upon novels by Cassandra Clare. Don’t worry I haven’t read the books either and I have to say after seeing this movie, I don't plan to. I checked out Harald Zwart’s bio (Director) and found that he’d directed Agent Cody Banks and Pink Panther 2 and well, yeah. When I read that Stephanie Meyer, of Twilight fame, said that this "is a world I love to live in." I cringed and considered what this could possibly mean.

Could it be that I am not in touch with people today? No, I don't feel that's the case. What I believe is that there is certain audience out there who likes terribly written, badly acted, love story/fantasy type movies that literally make you dumber as you watch them. I get it, don't worry I get it. They're not targeting me or my friends, but when and why did we start accepting these horrible versions of wait, wait, wait…yep I've got it. It's the old Digital vs. Celluloid.

If this movie was pitched back in the day when skilled craftsmen spent ridiculous amounts of time and money making actual films, it wouldn't even make it past the front door. Sure, that could be said about a lot of films made today, but let's compare it to a movie that is almost identical in plot but made twenty one years prior and infinitely better. I'm talking about Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Not the stupid TV show with Sarah Michelle-whatever, the one with Kristy Swanson. Same plot, ordinary girl finds out she's from a long line of blah blah, is the chosen one and can automatically kick demon ass. Now, Lily Collins is cute, I'll give you that but apart from that, the movies are polar opposites. Buffy for one, is funny, the one liners are better, in fact the only laughs I got out of The Mortal Instruments was when it was so bad it became laughable. "Remember when I said I'd never seen an Angel?" Bahhahaah puke-laugh. If you’re aware of the TV show Misfits you’ll recognize Robert Sheehan but only because of his massive mouth. As Nathan Young in Misfits he is hilarious and joyous to watch as his naturally crude sense of humour devours every scene. In The Mortal Instruments he plays a lovesick puppy that is clearly never going to get any and does so without a lick of wit. 

Maybe I've got it all kinds of wrong. Perhaps they've purposefully made this movie horrendous in the hope that it will one day be placed in the "so-bad it's good" category. Unfortunately, I don't believe this is their intention. In an age where young girls and middle-aged women are accepting stupidity over substance, beauty over humour and monsters over men, these writers and film makers are targeting the weak and alienating the strong. "But it's fantasy", you may say. So is Game of Thrones, shut up. "But it's romantic." No it's not, it's dumb and dumber without the romance. "You don't get what it's like to be a girl." You’re right I don’t and let’s face it, you'll never get what it’s like to be as cute as Lily Collins, Kristy Swanson or Kristen (gulp) Stewart and you'll never find a man who is heroic, skinny, beautiful and some sort of other worldly creature. Is that being a girl? Do yourself a favour, go out and find yourself a man in the real world. You know, the kind that is a little bit fat, avoids fights, cracks jokes at inappropriate times in front of your mother, drinks too much but kind of likes you even though you're a bit fat and like stupid movies like this one. You might just find yourself happy and “in a relationship” rather than sitting at home with your mum talking about the complexities of loving a Vampire whilst having your period. But if that’s your thing, by all means, go watch this movie.

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones is in cinemas from the 22nd of August. 

- Gene